So, I have a baby! I still cannot believe that I am a mother. I don't know if every woman feels this way, but I truly never thought it would actually happen. Not that I did not want it to happen. I just did not know if it was actually going to be in the cards for me. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with a neurological movement disorder called Dystonia. Many have never heard of it. It is in the same family as Parkinson's Disease and tics. Basically, I have involuntary muscle movements. However, I have them all over my body. When it gets really bad it looks like I am trying to do a back flip except I do not complete the flip I just get stuck with the back part of the flip and then bounce back to an upright position.
I remember when i was 17 and I talked with a neurologist in San Antonio. My parents had just left the room because the doctor wanted to ask me questions. He opened up with, "so do you have any questions you want to ask me?" My immediate question was about pregnancy. I immediately told him I am not saying that I am trying to get pregnant today, but I want to know if I will be able to have babies. Now reflecting back on that moment I do not see how I did not think motherhood would be in my cards. I was already fighting for it at 17. He told me that it is up in the air. Dystonia will not affect my ability to get pregnant, but the hormones could either set me off in a really bad attack episode or I could have a fantastic pregnancy. This thought has always scared me to death. I would never want to do anything to hurt my child before he/she entered the world. However, I also know that I am a strong woman who leans and depends on God and I know that God wouldn't put anything in my life that I could not handle.
Lord and behold, I met the man of my dreams. Something else I thought would never happen to me. I never thought in a million years that I would actually meet someone that could also handle my disorder. By handling i mean being able to wipe my tears, hold my hand and calm me down. Another safety net. Someone I was not afraid to have my attacks in front of because I would not be judged, but instead comforted because that is all I really need during my episodes. Comfort to know that its going to be okay so that I do not succumb to it. On December 31, 2011, I married him in front of our closest friends and family. It was the absolute best day, EVER!
7 months later...I AM PREGNANT! It was a huge shock. We knew we wanted children. In fact, not even a year into our relationship we already knew the names of our future son and daughter. We also knew when we moved to Houston in 2009 what year we would actually start trying to have children. Summer 2012 was going to be it. Early July, I took a pregnancy test and there was a faint pink line. I was so unbelievably happy. Like it actually worked. Big shocker. Two days later I had one of the biggest scares of my life. I found myself in my doctor's office taking test after test because I did not understand how I could have this positive pregnancy test and then BAM, no baby anymore. I was completely devastated and crushed. I wanted a baby so bad and did not understand how God would get my hopes up like that. We decided that we would stop trying until next summer. Another complete devastation. I was still unsure if I could wait that long, but I knew that all I could do was leave it in God's hands. It was a Sunday night that Sean and I prayed and we did just that. Left it in God's hands. We trusted and believed that he knew what was going to be the right path and we were going to follow in God's plan.
Monday morning I was feeling so happy. I went from tears on Sunday night to nothing but smiles the next day. It was so weird. I decided to take a pregnancy test because I had fifty gillion of them anyway and why not take one, right? Boy, did I get the surprise of my life. It was positive. My immediate thought? WTH! No way! No FREAKING way! So I took another test and another test. ALL POSITIVE. I actually wrapped the tests so I could show my friend Jackie because I was in such disbelief. I went home later that day to take four more tests and they were all positive.
So, how was I going to tell Sean? Would I make some beautiful card? Would I buy some baby shoe to show him? Oh, no! I hopped in his car because we were going to go to the grocery store and I showed him my pregnancy test. All I said was I have something to tell you...We are pregnant! His response...there's God's sign right there. We are supposed to be parents and right now.
Now we have this absolutely beautiful baby boy named Dylan. Like every mother says, I understand love in a whole different way. I love our son so much and have this newfound love for my husband as well. We are parents. We have a child. We are now three. It is so wonderful to say that.
So, why type up this long blog post? Well, we all have a story. This journey to parenthood and this is mine. I would not change anything about it. There is a reason why God wrote our story like this and I am so proud of it. For all the tears of pain and tears of joy I would not change a thing. We are so blessed and continue to walk in God's path.
Mothers, fathers. Take a moment and reflect back on your journey to becoming a parent. Take out your photos. Go spend time with your child(ren) and remember that day you saw that positive pregnancy test. Never forget that moment. Take time to reflect on that. If that does not bring some joy on this Wednesday I do not know what will.